Ma

A year ago today, I was having an argument with my mother in the car.  We had been straggling to the hospital in shifts and we were tired.  It was hot.  I was wearing something unbearably ratty and I hadn't had time to shower.

My father had made me go because he couldn't and after the three years of fighting, my grandfather's death six months before and the last week in SGH, it was feeling interminable for all of us.  I had barely known her before she came to live with us, and by then, she was deeply ill.

Just the day before when I had seen my grandmother, she was lucid for about five minutes.  Between the rattling breaths she was drawing over the feeding tube, she looked at me.  Her eyes wavered over my face.

"Ma," I said gently.  "Zhao An!"  It was how I greeted her every morning at home.  When she could still speak, she would say, "Zhao An!" cheerfully in reply.

At first I didn't think she had heard me.  Her eyes glazed over.  Then with an effort, she groaned around the tube.  An approximation of the tones and syllables.  "Ao Ahh."  I started to cry.  She slipped out of focus again.

In a break in our argument, my mother sighed over the steering wheel and the phone rang.  "Come quickly, Shu," my aunty said, tinny from the hospital payphone.  "She's going."

When we got there, she was dead.  My mother stood, crying silently by her bed, stroking her chest again and again and saying, "Mama."  We brushed her hair away from her yellow face.  Tied her jaw shut with a bandage.  Talked about her in hushed voices.  The other patients kept staring at the curtain round her bed.

We chose the casket.  Dressed her in black and gold brocade.  Planned the flowers.  Laughed and cried through strange Chinese descriptions of incomprehensible coffin-lifting rites.  

Just before her funeral service began, it occurred to me that Amazing Grace wasn't in the hymnbooks.  "Aren't we singing it?" I reminded my mother.  I was shocked no one had thought to ask the pastor about her favourite song.  We sang it in the end.  I couldn't make a sound.  I crumpled, hunched over the entire funeral, dripping silent tears while people gave thanks and prayed around me.  Until then, I didn't know how much I had grown to love her.

On the way to the crematorium, they put her in their fanciest car.  The speakers blasted Amazing Grace all along the highway and I thought she would have been so proud.

Four days of non-stop crying passed.  I went back to work.  We all spoke about how much of a mercy it was that she had left peacefully.  I started to think of her and my grandfather together again, in some place filled with light, beyond pain.

The thought comforts me a lot now.  That they are happy somewhere, in the way that they couldn't be in the last five years of their lives.  Walking in slow, bow-legged steps along back streets.  Reading.  Eating soft-boiled eggs.  It's a happy knowledge and I can forget that she suffered and slowly lost her mind.

Every now and then though, the one memory that catches me off-guard and undoes me is of the last time my grandmother wished me good morning.

Absolute balderdash

Last week over lunch, Eddie and Shirin told me a story about a game of Balderdash with someone they knew.  I held up my hand.  "Wait a minute, what's Balderdash?"  Eddie explained the rules of the game and I thought that it sounded like an evening of non-stop, rolling on the floor laughter.  

So a bunch of colleagues from work decided to meet for dinner, drinks and games on Saturday and test what good liars we are.  This is a group of co-workers that I often have morning meetings with and given the conversation we usually enjoy, I fully expected them to come with their sneakiness guns blazing.  

Guess whose house we descended upon?  (Why does every child have their name done in cross-stitch when they are born except me?  Tonight I will demand an explanation from my parents.)

Jia Min, Crystal, Denise and Shirin were as prompt as they could be and what I really liked about meeting with this group was how quick and easy it was to arrange a gathering.

Eddie had an Edward Gorey poster in her bedroom and since I'm not familiar with Edward Gorey, I thought for a moment that they were the drawings of David Roberts who illustrates Chris Priestly's Tales of Terror books that I talked about here.  Turns out their drawing styles are very similar.

By the way, I've ripped through all the Tales of Terror books since then and I highly recommend them to kids who love creepy stories but hate to read.  Some of the stories are just deeply bizarre, in a good way and sometimes when we have ten minutes to spare, I'll read a little for my students.  They love it and insist on having the lights off.

Eddie's dad and brother put together a delicious dinner, complete with cocktails made from scratch and a cheeseboard.  (I contributed the smoked cheese in the corner!)  I ate tonnes at the table then we continued munching on the chips and chocolate that others had brought.

A frosty Pimms cocktail with apples in and a delicious array of very tender meat and green vegetables. 

After dinner, everyone gathered round the coffee table and the game master explained the rules.  Basically each round, the game master picks one thing from a card like the one above.  It can fall under the category of a random word, a name, the initials of something, a movie title or a date.

Everyone has to make up what they think the words means, the significance of the date or the plot of the movie and then the game master reads out all the answers and players guess which the correct one is.  The fun is in just how ridiculous all the options are, including the correct one!

Also, look at that list.  How should anyone know what the heck a Pilwiz or who Plennie Wingo is? 

Our group of seven was fairly imaginative and the answers ranged from extremely serious and credible to the fairly ridiculous sounding.  The movie plots tended to yield the best answers because of the creative license taken.  Jia Min came up with a plot for The Adventures of the Queen (which ran something like "A priest, Charles Smith decides to embark upon a new career as a drag Queen named Clair Voyant") that had us in stitches.

Edie's brother, Harold, created a storyline for the movie "A Jar" which ran, "A mystery about a half-opened door".  Everyone blinked in confusion until it sank in and we collapsed laughing on the floor.

I only took pictures of half the attendees because the rest of us were sitting in shadow but rest assured everyone else was smiling this widely.

In between chatting about boybands with Jia Min, Edie constantly trying to break into my phone, scoffing snacks and shrieking with laughter over everyone's nonsensical answers, I had an awesome time.  Hopefully, we can have Part 2 soon!

I leave you with some scribbled answers to questions including the suggested plots of two movies, The Adventures of the Queen and my favourite, Dirty Little Billy.  I was going to say that you just can't make this stuff up, but um, we really did.

Gratitude list

I know, I know, the timetable of this weekly gratitude list is a little out of control.  I can't help it when I have other random photos to share!  Nonetheless, all the things on my lists still bring me lots of joy.  This week, these three small pleasures are floating my boat (snort!).

1)

When I first started working as a tuition teacher, I realised that teaching made me thirsty really quickly.  I always bring a transparent plastic cup of water to class and thoughtlessly put it under the whiteboard.  Each time I wipe the board, tiny specks of marker flake collect in the water.  I'm not ashamed to say that I occasionally drink the marker water in the middle of class because I'm so damn parched.

David was appalled when I related this to him and as a belated birthday present, he gave me a flask from Starbucks!  My favourite thing about this flask apart from how it keeps my regular iced latte cold (and fifty cents cheaper!) is how you can draw on the metal cannister inside with dry erase marker.  That's David's mascot, a violent Cantonese panda called Fak Fak!

2)

I really enjoyed using up my Bath and Body Works Carried Away body lotion and finally finished the warm, raspberry-scented dregs this week.  I have a couple more bottles that I really want to dig into and since I use moisturiser like a madwoman, it shouldn't be too long.

Compared to the Victoria's Secret body lotions, these have a similarly silky formulation and the smells are equally delicious.  What I like a little more about them, however, is the fact that the bottle is actually transparent and you can see how much product there is left.  This way, I avoid wasting any extra drips.

3)

And as of last night, midnight cheese toast with Amanda!

My journal writing journey

Warning: Nerdy stationery blather, 200m.

My mom left work recently and brought a haul of delicious stationery back with her, a lot of which she bequeathed to me.  There are a couple of moleskines in there.  A Leuchtturm 1917 that I've been dying to try and one brandless black notebook with thick paper, perforated pages and the thinnest ruling I've ever seen. 

I have my stock of future diaries for at least several years.

Lots of people ask me how on earth I manage to maintain a journal.  The short answer to that is that I really don't know.  

The long answer is probably that I have a somewhat obsessive personality.  When I start something and I really get into it, I can't let it go.  I can't sleep if it's not done and I don't feel comfortable until I've settled whatever it is that I keep dwelling on.  

Journalling is like that for me.  I started keeping a regular diary when I was about 12 years old.  My best friend at the time actually spurred me into the habit and for a while we journalled lots about each other.  She was a far more regular writer than I was and now I wonder where she is and whether she's kept it up, as I have.

My 12-year-old diary was nothing important - rants about my brothers (whom I now love to bits) and newspaper clippings of Pierce Brosnan, my first love.  

I didn't journal every day but I found that if you just keep returning to something, it becomes first a habit, then a part of life and I haven't stopped writing since.  I've been asking myself why and finally come to the realisation that it is the purest form of alone time I have.  I don't pray or meditate.  I'm very messed up in my head.  So when I sit down and put pen to paper, no matter what drivel pours out the tip, for once, I'm centered and still in a far more zen way than when I'm at the computer.

I express things I never knew I felt, marvel at the way problems look on the page, and more than once I've made a discovery that has changed my outlook on things completely.

I've kept records of everything, right down to meals that I ate with my first boyfriend when we were 17.  I have a terrible habit of switching notebooks each time there is emotional upheaval in my life.  Two days after the break up, I bought a cheap sketchbook and cried into it during my lunch hour.  And now, I've made a switch once again so that I'm not carrying all that horrific baggage around with me.

I adore stationery.  I spend a significant portion of my pay cheque on it.  I can spend hours on notebook sites that go into detail about paper quality, tooth and journal reviews.  And I love to read about it and about the journeys people take when they write about their lives.   

So I thought, just in case someone out there has a similar fetish, I would share mine, and a bunch of journalling tips that have worked for me over the years.

This is the journal I currently write in, and that is the pen.  I'll get into the specifics of stationery further down.  First however, here are the things that have worked for me in writing a journal and sticking to it.

1)  Don't pressure yourself

Just the other day a colleague remarked on the discipline necessary to write constantly and I've learned that for me, at least, that discipline is a misconception.  Journalling works for me precisely because I'm not disciplined at all.  If I forced myself to make entries every day, I would soon tire of the whole enterprise.

Instead, I approach it with the knowledge that as long as I come back to it at some point in time, I can always carry on.  This way, even when I've not written for three or four months (which happens occasionally) I don't feel awkward getting back into the habit, or worse still, guilty about avoiding it.  Skipping days or weeks isn't a sign of failure.  It just means I'm living life until I get back to writing about it.

This approach also means I always have time to write when I want it. 

2)  Always have the material handy

Because of rule number one, I always keep one personal journal "running".  I don't carry it around all the time, but it's there in plain sight and easy reach for when I need it.  I think part of the pain in starting up again after a long hiatus is having to go out and get a notebook and say, "Okay, from today I am going to start again," until it goes tits up in three months and it's all buried under an avalanche of old files.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Instead, I just have one book going at all times and I come back to it as and when I need to.  Easy peasy.

3)  Don't feel embarrassed about the content

Every single person who has told me they want to keep a journal but don't (my students included) has said that the one thing that is stopping them is how silly they feel the thoughts are.

Conversely, every single person I know who keeps a journal acknowledges that they've written silly things at one point (most of the time, even) but they never, never regret writing them.  Sometimes, this is just who we are.  And it helps to get things out of the system.  If no one but you ever sees this writing (and you don't even have to go back and read it) what does it matter how silly it is?

Another thing people always tell me is that they don't know what to write about.  I feel like even just writing about the things around you in the moment can become a valuable memory - what you were wearing, what you thought about that morning, what music was playing on the radio, how you were feeling at the time.  

4)  Enjoy the process

This is a big one for me.  I keep on writing because I love it.  Because there's no time pressure or quality control on the content, I don't feel frantic or guilty or critical of the things I write.  I just treasure my alone time and I've even made a ritual out of it.  Once or twice a week, I head to work early.

I go to the quietest cafe I can find, buy a cup of coffee, some breakfast and open my book.  I always, always start with the date, the day, the time and location and then I write whatever comes to mind.  I can write for ten minutes or one hour, and I always end up feeling calmer, more refreshed, more ready to face the world.

That's pretty much all I need to keep me going.  Stationery, on the other hand, I have much stricter rules about.  My first diary was a cheap blue bound notebook from the school bookshop and I absolutely massacred it.  When the bindings of those books started falling apart, I realised I needed a more permanent solution and my love affair with paper products started.

My criteria for a good writing material is:

1)  Sturdy, but flexible binding.  So, so important. 

2)  The notebook must lie flat when opened.  I broke many notebooks by forcing the binding flat so that I could write neatly across them.  When my mother first brought me a Moleskine years ago, I was absolutely shocked by the miracle that was a perfectly even writing surface and I absolutely fell in love with them.

Nowadays there are many, many notebooks engineered to perform this feat.

3)  Good quality paper.  The Moleskine is the thinnest paper that I will write on.  In fact, it is almost universally recognised that moley paper is some overpriced sub-par 70-something gsm crap that barely holds together under wet inks.  Its success is testament to the power of good marketing.  If the paper were better, it would be absolutely ideal.

As it is, I'll use them when I have them because a) I only get them free or discounted, b) they look awesome and c) I still love the binding.  If I could customise a notebook though, only 80 gsm and up would do.  (In this regard I am dying to try the Rhodia notebooks one day.  They are now filled with Clairefontaine paper which is supposed to be the stuff of angels' tears.)

4) Lines must be narrow.

5)  If it is spiral bound (God forbid) the spiral must never get in the way of my horrible Leftie handwriting posture.

6)  Pens must be fine-nibbed and waterproof.  (Generally I only use the Uniball Signo at present.)

At present, I use a Zequenz 360 notebook that my friend, David (also an avid journaller) recommended to me.

What I love about this book:

The binding is ridiculously flexible and seems hardy so far.  It's called the 360 because it's made to roll up completely and spring back into its original shape.  That is some hardcore shit right there.  The cover is similarly flexible which means that it can take more crap than some.  The book is incredibly light.  It's not too big, but not so small that it feels like one of those pocket pads.  The cover is red.  Look at that gorgeous colour.  It comes with a little magnetic bookmark that you can clip to hold your place, which I feel is far more sturdy than the fraying ribbon that comes with many mole-a-likes.

What I don't like about this notebook:

The lack of lines (you can get lined ones, I just couldn't find them).

And the paper, oh god, the paper.  At 70 gsm, there's a lot of ghosting and faint bleedthrough and sometimes I worry that it will go soggy and holey.  Thankfully, my uniball 0.38 pen nibs flow very smoothly and sparingly, so the paper will just about hold.  I have to be careful with markers and highlighters though.

I guess that's the price you pay for flexibility and I suppose that's what makes them good travel companions.  David took one with him throughout the Middle East and it held up just fine.  You can get them at some Popular bookstores, but they're getting a bit harder to find in Singapore.  Thankfully, there's a better supply online.

Shall we talk about pens for a minute?  Do let's!

This is Uniball's latest offering.  I love it so much that I've converted even Amanda.  You buy the pen barrel and can choose it to hold three or four different ink refills of whatever colour, nib size or ink type.  Pop them in and you're ready to roll. 

It's like a much better quality version of those heinous multi-coloured ballpoints we all used to own in school.  Remember how the blue and black would invariably run dry first leaving you with only anaemic shades of green and red?

I used 0.38 refills on mine, in black and blue-black ink.  The transparent part makes it easy to see your colours, so you can choose any random colours in whichever position and change them up when you please.  (Don't you need a cute girl to endorse your pens now, Uniball?) 

Voila!

If you're still alive, I hope you enjoyed this post.  I will happily answer (at length!) any questions on stationery-related matters, if anyone cares to ask. 

What the hell, even if you don't, I'll still be conducting long paper rambles anyhow.  It's my blog!  Hah!  Oh, the power!

This week so far

I have such an odd work schedule that I never quite know where my weeks end and begin.  But!  You better believe that I'm fully aware of the weekend.  Thank goodness it's here and that this week has been full but mostly happy.

So far, it's been filled with long chats, late night suppers at Mas Ayu, random small, fuzzy creatures and the following, in no particular order:

Since leaving work, my mother has been bringing home all kinds of gifts and miscellaneous stationery (yes!) and I came home to find this plant-filled frog creature on the deck.  If you look closely, you can see me very fashionably squatting to snap it.

Amanda gave me this pretty artisanal chocolate egg for Easter!  Earlier, I'd been persuading her to try Lindor chocolate - if you haven't, run out and get some now - and she fell in love with how smooth and creamy it is.  I got her some Lindt Easter carrots and a bar of Lindor and we enjoyed a very prosperous chocolate exchange.

We also spent some time marking together on a lazy and slightly grey Tuesday and ended up getting sidetracked and discussing a plan for our futures.  I don't know whether it will come through, but it's given me something to really look forward to and think about for awhile.

Our friend, Fiona, sat with us and had a mushroom soup cappuccino which came with floating dabs of foam.  We were suitably intrigued.

Our colleague brought her adorable puppy, Julius, to the office.  At first sight I thought he was a Jack Russell Terrier, but apparently he's a chihuahua-yorkie mix and about twice as dopey.  Everyone just loved him.  My office is an oddly animal-friendly place.  We occasionally have unexpected creatures roaming the corridors.

Julius was made to sit with the resident major domo, Smudge.  Julius eyed Smudge with great suspicion and neither of them were very impressed with the other.  I thought Julius was very cute but I'm a bigger fan of Smudge's equanimity.  The dude sit there and let me take pictures of him without twitching a whisker.  Now there's a rabbit that's had some smizing practise.

Plans for the rest of the day include a walk to the nearby playground, Indian food for dinner (hopefully with hot lashings of chai masala) and lounging around in a weekend-induced torpor.  Glory!

Gratitude list: Notes

Sometimes a beautiful note from a good friend is all you need to pick you up out the gloom.

1)  Like this postcard that both Shirin and Edie wrote me

Apart from the incredible aesthetics (I didn't realise for a moment that the dog was a sticker and wondered how he had come to represent Richard Harris), the messages are sweet and so heartfelt.

S inspired me, writing, "Sorry that you still have bad days, but I hope that they get increasingly rarer and that in the meantime, they serve as kindling for your art.", and E made me tear with, "I hope that when you wrestle with your memories, you will not begrudge your former self.  She had great strength too." 

2)  Or this one all the way from Wei-Yuen

Isn't that illustration just perfect?

3)  Or even an unexpected midnight note from Dawn which said:

"If you ever tumble back in the valley, shout. I'll come get you."

My friends are just the best and I don't know where I'd be without them.  I hope to honour our bond by being there for them in return.  Thank you.

The Liebster Award

Tonight, since I have a little down time, I thought I'd complete the Liebster Award, for which I was nominated by my real-life and blogverse friend, Grace.  Thank you!

Grace and I got to know each other when I was working as a reporter (she's still a journalist and I have no idea how she maintains her incredible energy) and we later found out that our mothers are old friends as well!  She's an incredible writer, athlete and all-round renaissance woman of sorts and I have to admit that I've always been a little in awe of her.  When I found out that she had a blog as well, I was absolutely thrilled.  

You know how you can figure out if you'll love a blog within two or three posts?  I knew that I would really enjoy hers.  She talks a lot about running and I know next to nothing about sports, but somehow I found myself thumbing through the archives, reading eagerly about cramps, compression stockings and running shoes because her writing is so accessible.  

The award (I think) involves writing 11 random things about yourself and then answering a list of questions that the nominator (in this case, Grace) asks you.  

Then of course, I get to tag people (my favourite part)!  In advance, I'm tagging two people whose blogs I also love, Priya and Libby!

11 random things about me

1)  I love toothbrushes.  My favourite ones are the kinds with all the weird rubber grips and jags and cups and bristles shooting this way and that, but my family is recently on a plain, super-soft bristle kick.  Blah.

2)  Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I lie in bed and meow at myself for five minutes as a warm up for the day.

3)  When I was in kindergarten, I was made to stand in the corner for talking too much.  I enjoyed standing by myself and missing the lesson so much that I tried to talk excessively every day.

4)  Chip, my dog, was the culmination of a carefully orchestrated eight years of begging and crying to my father.

5)  I can't do Maths to save my life.  Often, I'll give my students back work with marks on it and they'll swiftly count them, roll their eyes and groan, "Ms Shu, no."  I've taken to letting them do all the calculations for me.

6)  My mum tells me that when I was three, I was obsessed with the word "actually".  We would be walking down the street and I would say, "Actually..." to myself and then be convulsed with delighted laughter.

7)  When it's cold, my nose whistles.

8)  When my nose whistles, I am driven to distraction and subsequently, fits of rage.

9)  Because I've never been any kind of athlete, I now proudly collect pictures of my sports-related bruises.  Behold!

10)  I loathe the words "panties", "myriad", "pamphlet" and "liaise".

11)  I have always wanted to live on a farm.

And now, Grace's questions:

1) What book are you reading (do you have in your life, on your table/ Kindle, should get around to reading) right now? 

I'm currently finishing The Great Gatsby (would you believe I've never read it before?) and I'm really loving it - far more deliciously scandalous than I expected!  Next, I should probably read Midnight's Children, which was a gift from my uncle! 

2) What's your favourite place in the world you've travelled to? 

I love most places that I've travelled to but I was really enamoured of The Alhambra by moonlight in Granada, Spain.  Could be the fact that my cousin and I sat on a low wall, watched the moon rise over it and sang Sound of Silence.

3) Are you a morning person or a night owl? 

Do you know, I have no idea.  I'm the type of person who can be awake and present with some effort when I need to be, and I've never figured out which time of day suits me better.  I'm definitely not fond of the afternoon at any rate.

4) What's your favourite way to deal with stress? 

A long, silent bubble bath!

5) If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? 

Hahaha, I've always always wanted to be a rock star.  I would earn ridiculous amounts of money, appear in every tabloid, have wanton sex and retire to my private island at the age of 40.

6) What's your favourite snack? 

Tough one!  I love so many snacks, but probably Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  Something about the mix of sweet and salty really does me.

7) Are you a shower singer? A secret shower singer? 

I sing everywhere and all the time!  Not secret at all, and sometimes, completely without realising it.  I've taken to giving instructions in class in a fake opera voice.  (Do you sing, Grace?  We must have an evening of merrymaking.)

8) If you could have any superpower for one day, what would it be? 

Cliched, but I would fly.  Particularly over the sea at night.  Maybe it would get rid of that damned fear of heights once and for all!

9) What's the worst birthday present you've ever received? 

Oh, yikes.  Probably a watch with hearts on it.  I liked the watch, not so much the hearts.

10) What smell do you like the most? 

Hamster sawdust and horses!  They really bring me back to my childhood.  (I didn't have horses, but I did have a hamster.)

11) What's your proudest accomplishment? 

Holding down jobs for as long as I have.  My whole life I've never felt like I would ever be a responsible adult and every month, I continue to be amazed that I remain employed and can actually bring home a paycheck.   

And finally, 11 questions for the two people I would like to nominate - Libby and Priya!  I love their blogs because they're both real and fascinating, have a great eye for design and talk about things that really matter to them.  Nothing beats that candid style of blogging and I'm dying to know what their answers would be.  

1)  What really annoys you?

2)  You can do one dangerous thing without experiencing any negative consequences.  What would it be?
3)  What is your favourite cuisine?
4)  What is your earliest memory?
5)  Which part of your life would you relive if you could?
6)  What is the one rule you always try to live by?
7)  What is your least favourite household chore?
8)  If you won the lottery tomorrow, how would you apportion the money?
9)  What would your porn star name be?  
10) What is your dream house like?
11)  What would make you really happy right now?

Hah, that was fun!  Can't wait to read your answers guys, and I'm hoping that you enjoy the tag as much as I did.  Thanks again, Grace, it's been ages since I did something like this!