Gratitude list: Day by day

If you're out there and you're sad, and wondering why this is taking longer than you thought it would, you're not an anomaly.

I'm working on it.  I really am.  But things are sometimes harder than ever.  I have moments where I feel like I'm almost out of the valley, I can forget all the days we'd spent together, how close we used to be, how much I trusted him.  There are times when I think, yes, the only person you can lean on is yourself, and I'm almost used to it.  Almost.

It all comes crashing down in the stupidest moments; a text from a mutual friend asking if I can make my way back to London.  The launch of a friend's book we spent hours reading together.  An email from a school colleague to say he'll be in town in two weeks.  

And I think, I know I shouldn't think it, but I think: why keep reminding me of the one that got away?  Then I'm furious, furious for even considering bestowing that title on someone who kicked me around when I was at my most vulnerable, who once held me and whispered, "I promise I will take care of you.  Will you take care of me?" and asked me if I felt safe so that in that short moment, I did.

All these people from our shared past who can't see me, who only guess my feelings from texts and emails riddled with cheerful exclamation marks think I'm okay.  Selfishly, I want to shout at them, "I'm not!  Why can't you possibly guess that and leave me alone?" and curl up and cry and cry until it just doesn't hurt anymore.

So I stop. 

I take a deep breath. 

I pull myself back, because it's not their fault.  It's not their fault that I sometimes want to appear stoic and it's not their fault that I still want their friendship even if it means being reminded of the connection I once had with him.  

I think of the people I have here.  I think of how many times they've had my back and I feel ashamed of myself. 

And I remind myself that we all have our trials and tribulations and we are, many of us, just pushing through, just living day by day.  I look at the clock, and today's almost over.  Tomorrow it all starts again, but that will be over too.  And so on, and so on, putting one foot in front of the other, I'm helped out by small daily moments of cheer that remind me that by and by, I'll walk my way back home.

1)  Cheese on toast 

 

I'm partial to smoked cheese of any kind and the simple act of melting it on toast and enjoying it with a hot cup of tea can make my morning.  Even better, since I told my father about the smoked cheese preference, he started keeping the larder regularly stocked with it.

2) The excellent office pantry

There's even a wishlist nearby that we can fill up with suggestions.  My poison?  Wasabi prawn crackers.  Sweetest pantry ever.

3)  And what really makes me smile: preparing some love to send to friends.